5 yrs....

5 yrs....it approaches with a dread I cannot explain.....each year that has passed without you here to hold onto...has been agonizingly long.....I know that 'life goes on'....I think to me...yes, it does...but who does it go on for....the demons come at unexpected times....keeping me awake and raining tears down these cheeks and overflowing these eyes ....I try not to acknowledge any of it now...what use is it...but sometimes as it has over the last week...it is unavoidable...and I strive to wash away the memories that rush to my mind everytime I drive down a road or turn a corner in this house that we built and planned together....our children both of them so much like each of us and both of us look at me with your eyes and voice and thoughts..and I clamor for that small piece of you....for just one second and it is gone before I can touch it......I know that the thoughts are so serious and I beg me to stop it..and I succeed at times but then as I said before I turn a corner or touch a memory or someone asks a question about you and I wonder where the time has gone ...it has either slowly slowly.....passed or it has flown toward me and I cannot stop it no matter what i do.......the moments of the lives we have helped God to mold .......where are they.......lost in time......I know that YOU are not lost but where are you...do you hear me....I hope that you are not disappointed.....I have missed you so.....would that sicken you if you came back today...I wonder sometimes......is it less honorable to have wished for you so much.....I miss the gentleness.......I don't find it ......the comfort of you was bigger than both of us I think.......It was security ...love.....peace....anger and passion all at the same time....how can that be?.....I don't know.....a gift I guess....one that has slowly slipped out of everyones mind but hard to dim in this minds eye.....I want to find a new way to think about it all...and I succeed but then here I am...again.....


song of the day...my prayer....andrea bocelli